Warning this post is largely about my inner ramblings and an attempt to keep my thoughts clear. I am still working through some of the cohesiveness of it.
One of the things I do on a regular basis is undergo Underworld Journey's. Ritual acts that help me confront my own daemons and hopefully find some healing. I went on a journey recently. Not all the shadows are chased out but there is a process being developed.
One of the things that was said to me before going to ritual was that one of my recent failed relationship partners was a collector i.e that I was more a part of their collection of people and things than a real relationship.
Being frustrated with the gods in general over my relationship history, I postulated with them what this ment about myself and my role in relationships in general.
After the ritual I was reminded of an Irish fairy tale called the Soul Cages. In it, our hero is a collector of lost cargo in a disserted area. On one of his expedition he meets a monster who collects the souls of drowned sailors in wooden cages. The hero, after a conversation, escaped. What has always bothered me is that none of the other souls are released.
The next night, while drumming, I was reminded of the story of Shango and Oba. The condensed version is that Shango was the warrior king of Oyo. He was a dancer and diviner and loved a lot of women. Oba was his legal wife. Oshun, the goddess of love and luxury was also a wife as was Oya the Queen of the market place and the only one who can use Shango's lightening.
As the story goes, Oba was growing increasingly concerned that her husband would never look at her again. Feeling self conscious and afraid she went to Oya and asked what she could do to attract his attention again. Oya, being devious and seeing an opportunity, told Oba that if she made Shango a special soup out of one of her ears that would help get his attention. It did, Shango was terrified of the ear. Oba, feeling the rejection and fearing the damage could never be forgiven, fled into the cemetery.
So what's my point in bring this up?
At a certain point, those of us who are service subs desperately crave needing a defined purpose/role to feel fulfilled. In the Soul Cages, the imagery is there to suggest that the drowned souls were kept because they provided energy to the monster. With Oba she was Shango's partner until she convinced herself that her role didn't exist anymore because the others held Shango's attention more often then not.
For myself, as a service sub, I am having a hard time seeing what my point is right now both at work, home and the community at large. I struggle constantly with this question of am I relevant? It is very tempting to be Oba at the moment, feeling like I have nothing unique to compete with and to run away from everything. My fight is reminding myself that support staff is still a valid role even if its not the star one.
As I get more clarity on the issues I will share more. That's enough for now.
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