Cosmic Belly Button Lint Revised or Why Spirituality Matters to Me? Semi Autobiographical...

Blogging in a format that is something other than a quick bitch about what is currently driving me nuts or what I am geeking out about is a new to me thing. Even when LiveJournal was all the rage, I did not use it as a more serious critique of my inner and outer world. I am still attempting to find my voice but there are some repeated themes you will come to find as you traverse these pages with me. Spirituality is a big deal for me. Understanding the underlying issues of cosmology and the expression of belief and faith are equally huge deals for me. My personal spirituality is based on the belief that there is divinity and that divinity loves us. Our power for transformation comes from our connection to divinity, our connection to our ancestors, and our connection to the natural world around us (nature spirits, ecology and humanity.) As much as I am writing about the ideals and beliefs of the Wiccan coven I am a part of, I am not purely Wiccan. I am not purely Christian or any one thing. However, I do have a very keen understanding of both theologies and some days I lean more to one side than the other. From 1973 to 1982 I grew up in a very traditional family structure in small communities where the ALC Lutheran Church was the primary expression of spirituality. My father wanted to be a missionary or pastor and took his role as a layman pastor seriously. (He has since achieved that vision and travels the four corners preaching the gospel.) My great great grandfather helped build the church that we worshiped in weekly and my extended paternal family was very stout in their belief system. So what happened? In 1981 or 82 one foggy morning 50 head of cattle showed up on the fields of the family homestead after my mother thought she had an agreement from my father that there was to be no cattle. I was too young to remember the exact day but I do remember the cattle fondly. My Mom, not so much. This was the straw that broke the camels back in a long line of issues that showed my Dad was more interested in what someone else thought than what Mom thought. She filed for separation and divorced him by the end of 1982. When my Mother stared moving around to finish her college education, we were introduced to other expressions Christianity than just Lutheran or Roman Catholic. Including my being introduced to the Assembly of God community through a friend who wanted me to go to a bible study class with her. I was assuming something more akin to Sunday Bible school of arts and crafts and coloring pages not an actual academic discussion of the book of John. My Mother was worried. She asked my Dad to attend a class with me and he bought into everything they were preaching for better or worse. My Dad remarried someone who was involved in the Pentecostal movement and both of them never settled on one community to practice with. Each weekend was a new church depending on what the sermon topic was about. My Mother did continue with the ELCA Lutheran Church in the variety of towns we lived in to give us some stability when we were with her. We had several odd discussions with my step mother on spirituality and pop psychology. When I was in high school, I went to a fairly large, progressive school that offered a comparative religion class and I was introduced to non-Christian expression’s of spirituality. Throughout my k-12 experience, I identified as a Pentecostal. I read every book and listened to every sermon tape I could to understand not only who God was but how to please Him as well. With puberty also came a nasty child custody battle and being incredibly unpopular with my peers, overweight, and into science fiction (thus a social outcast) I also was diagnosed with clinical depression. When I would talk to my pastor’s and bible teachers about my depression I was always told that if I was truly a child of God, I would be happy all the time. That if I wasn’t happy, I must be in a state of sin and separated from God. My question then and now is How the FUCK is a 10 or 13 year old sheltered child with no life experience in a state of sin AFTER they have become born again and repent on a daily basis? I don’t get that type of thinking. When I graduated from high school in 1991 I went to the University of South Dakota and met one my first non Christian spiritual teachers Robert Bungee. Dr. Bungee was a Rosebud Sioux half-breed linguistic and Sioux Tribal expert who had a difficult time believing I was not a half breed myself. We spent many hours talking over coffee and cigarettes at the Indian student center. He also brought in shaman and political activist Orval Lookinghorse and his lovely wife to explain larger concepts of the peace pipe and the 12 sacred traditions. When I left USD because of a nervous breakdown, I returned home to Minneapolis and started taking classes at the Minneapolis Community College. I studied Chemical Dependency Counseling because my mother was very entrenched in the adult children of alcoholics movement and I thought it might be a wise career move and a way to get on the reservations and be useful. While at MCC, I also worked with some folks who were interested in shamanism as a spiritual tradition and also hung out at the local women’s bookstore where I picked up my first book on Wicca Ffiona Morgan’s Wild Wymen Don’t Get the Blues and accompanying tarot deck, Daughter’s of the Moon. My love of Wicca was born. I love ceremony and ritual and spells. Oh the candle combinations and incense I could burn! Better yet, I didn’t need a pastor or priest to tell me the right way to please the goddess. I was whole. I practiced as a solitary but being bound by social convention still had to practice some form of Christianity to appease my parents and grandparents. I can honestly say I became Catholic to rebel and hide my witchy leanings. I love Roman Catholic Christianity because of the pomp and circumstance. I also appreciate that there is a female aspect of god, and that there are very alive and active schools of mysticism. I also really appreciate their social justice leanings even if I am more liberal in other areas. Mysticism and social justie being the most important because I do believe there is more out there in the universe than what we can see and touch with our regular senses and compassion for all people is kinda mandatory for me. It wasn’t until years later when I met my husband and non-legal sister wife (legal disclaimer: we are not bigots or polygamists we are polyamorous and while I am committed to both I am not legally married to either) that I practiced Wicca publically or with another teacher outside of what I was learning on my own through books and experience. Through my journey with my sister wife and high priestess we have studied the African Diaspora traditions of Ifa/Santeria. I have taken attunements for the Usui Reiki system of healing and have also studied with the local O.T.O lodge though I am not nor intend to be an initiate of that group. Not anything personal, just not my cuppa joe. All the while, my partner and I still run a small coven and take in seekers all the time refining our system as we increase our knowledge and understanding. My point being, as you have slogged through all this, I probably would not be as interested in spirituality and the expression of it if I hadn’t had the life experiences that I have had. Issues of faith, redemption, and morals matter but are not limited to a particular focus or ritual expression. Understanding, compassion and forgiveness do matter.