So long and thanks for all the fish.....

With the changes going on in  my life, I am retiring the title of Coffee Priestess.  I have started a new blog called Life of An Armchair Mystic.   I am inspired by a peer to codify my practice and at least publish it in blog form.  I am not sure how it will evolve just yet. 

What can you expect from the  new blog?

A commitment to weekly posts published on Wednesdays (day of Mercury and communication) that will be a combination of my own ritual process and the background information I use.  A sort of electronic file cabinet of correspondence and memory.

I will still be largely focused on the Wiccan Wheel of the Year but will include bits and pieces of my shamanic training (Ode to Jane Smallman) and Buddhist influences as well. 

And because I can, I will be also including my manifesto on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and how it and motivational psychology are intrinsic to spiritual practice.  (When I was a chemical dependency counselor I taught a recovery class every 3rd Tuesday on The Hierarchy of Needs and through school and Wicca classes I seem to write a paper every 5 years or so on it.)

As much as I want to comment on the various social challenges we are experiencing I am going to limit my comments and instead focus on how to transform the pain and frustration into something more useful.  While my life is not perfect, I see progress each day and as we say in AA progress, not perfection.

With that gentle readers, I welcome you into the world of the arm chair mystic. Grab your beverage of choice and enjoy the ride!

Transforming Pain On The Path

Happy November to everyone!

I was planning on writing more about ancestral practices but have a slight change of plans.  Yesterday, a man decided to deal with his pain and frustration by driving a rented truck onto a pedestrian walk way in Manhattan and killed 38 people in the name of his religion.  When I was watching Morning Joe today one of their guests said that we can either transform our pain or transmit our pain and it struck a cord in me.

We live in a broken world. We are oppressed, disenfranchised, marginalized, and then ignored. Our media and social media outlets capitalize on that pain and sometime with well meaning and thought provoking questions but more often than not it magnifies the issues and not really resolve them.  How do we deal with the constant influx of distressing information and how do we transform it into something positive?

I like the idea of transforming pain. The Wiccan Rede states An It Harm None Do As Thou Will but we fall short.  We hurt others in our selfishness and we hurt ourselves.  The first step in the process of transformation is the same first step that is used in the AA Twelve step program.  We admitted that we were powerless over ________ and that our lives had become unmanageable.  In my own walk I am powerless over my sense of rejection.  It can overrun my life if I allow it too.  The second step become more important of coming to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity….Awareness

Because of my pagan leanings I choose to see that power as the Goddess and her Consort but it is also my community and elders and their wisdom from traveling the path before me.  Surrendering my ego and sense of righteousness in order to understand someone else’s side of the story is a vitlal necessity  and then that leads into the third step of surrender…. Giving my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him.  It is not easy to recognize when we need to walk in active forgiveness and surrender. Both are necessary as a part of transformation.

As a nation, as a world, we need to stop seeing our pain as isolated incidents. That we are the only ones going through our confusion and frustration, our sense of loss and our sense of what needs to be done in compensation.  We do not always know the best way but we are willing to yield the pain of our ego to the wisdom of compassion we may  heal more than just ourselves in the process.

May the month ahead bring you encouragement, empowerment, and peace.

Blessed Be!!

Samhain/Halloween 2017

When I first started this blog, I wanted to write about my research and experience within the wiccan community and my understanding of wiccan cosmology such as it is.  I admit I have been fairly hit and miss about posting on a consistent basis but I hope to correct that this next cycle.  It will still be about my experience as a solitary wiccan practitioner and mostly about my own growth process during these historic times. With that being said...\

Samhain is upon us. For the secular, American world it is known as Halloween.  In the life cycle of the Goddess it is the celebration of the death of the God.  In Celtic countries communities would gather at the end of the harvest and celebrate the ancestral dead of their community.  The christian church celebrates All Soul’s Day on November the 1st.

My pith instruction from my teachers and books is that this is the Wiccan New Year. We celebrate our dead, do divination for the coming year, and reaffirm our dedication to the old ways.  

In modern American culture we continue to do this but it is more the focus on confronting our fears around death. We still feed our dead with candy. We tell stories of ghost and monsters of all forms.  I don’t believe there is any right or wrong way to celebrate this season.  

My own expression of wicca has become much more focused on ancestor reverence throughout the year along with the Goddess and her consort.  My family has always held a high interest in genealogy and I remember several summers with my Great Grandpa Herman and my mother going through old cemeteries in small midwest towns making rubbings from headstones for dates and names. I also remember in later years being taught by Grandpa Lew how to read area history by looking at grouping of tomb stones. In our family cemetery at Coleridge, NE I was shown groupings of young children who died from tuberculosis and spanish flu.

Our history is important. Remembering the history of our family is important not just on a personal level but on a more global social level as well. It is one thing to remember the people we hold a lot of esteem for. My great grandmother who harvest 5 o'clock seeds and sold them to Gurneys or that my Grandpa Don helped fight for factory worker rights in the 60’s and 70’s.  What do we do with the not so pleasant ones? The same grandfather that championed social justice was a drunk and beat my grandmother nightly who I also inherited my depression from? In our genealogy research discovering the unpleasant fact that some of our southern relatives probably did own slaves even though they were poor farmers themselves?  

We have a social movement that is very much focused on destroying any reminders of oppression and the negative side of our history as a feeble attempt at making reparation of the past sins of our ancestors as well as our society.  I really don’t like revisionist history or being responsible for anyone's sins but my own.

For better or worse we are made up of unique combinations of our ancestors genetic material and their experiences.  During this time of year, I offer up elevation prayers and rituals for my ancestors that had mental health issues, we addicts, we abusive, and oppressed other human beings.  I also very much look at how my own biases and behaviors reflect my religious ideals.  I freely admit I fall short but I keep striving to be a better person and more inclusive of everyone. In order to truly grown as individuals and a society we need to look at the negative as well as the good. It is not enough to just be idealistic and rewrite history to read the way you want it to.  That doesn’t do anyone any good.  My challenge to myself and to you gentle reader is use this season to celebrate the past good and learn from it to create a better future.

Celebrating The Fool's Journey

It's been a while gentle reader. Many attempts to start up again with some sort of regularity. The last few years being its own struggle to recover and figure out how to move forward.  

My own tarot reading for the spring equinox this year focused heavily on The Fool card from the tarot and that it was time to delve back into tarot as a spiritual practice and not just mundane soothing of our questions. Will he come back to me? Will I get that job? Ad nauseam.

The Fool's Journey in its strictest sense is a way to internalize the meanings of the 22 major arcana cards. It does describe the potential enlightenment process for most western practitioners. However, don't be deceived into thinking it is a straight line.

We in the west are particularly enthralled with the ideal that everything happens in a straight line. A direct methodology. Luckily for us the universe is cyclical in nature. And like most cycles the journey can stall, it can go in spurts, you can arrive at any number of random points in the journey without any real idea of how one got there.

The Fool card astounds me in its simplicity of describing the process of our daily lives and its profound implications once we start peeling away the layers of its meaning. With its numeric value of zero there is a riddle of no beginning and no ending.  It is complete within itself and perhaps that is the real meaning of our spiritual journey.  We are complete in ourselves, nothing lacking and no beginning and no ending.  As I study the eastern tradition of Buddhism it reminds me very much of the Heart Sutra that form is emptiness and emptiness is form.  Not in the dark, _blank sense  but the golden field of active potential.  What do I mean by that?

What I mean is that the universe is always ready to create itself through us.  There is this warm energy that is amorphous until we start choosing to assign it meaning.  

As I continue forward with this project I am assigning myself the task of looking at how I create my universe and assign it meaning.  I challenge you, gentle reader, to do the same.  If we are the ones assigning meaning to our universe does that mean we get to change how we are experiencing it?  Yes beloved, very much yes.  

My goal with this project is to continue to explore what I have learned and am still learning about the tarot as an esoteric system and share that knowledge with other seekers on the path.

Blessed Be.

Invocations for Self Blessing

Starhawk once said that all ritual is a chance for transformation as long as we allow it to be. One of the tools like I like using in my own transformation process of rebuilding my self esteem is a litany of previous successes.

If you want to be really spiritual about it you can cast circles and invoke whatever diety of choice you work with and burn your favorite incense.

The trick is being willing to deliberately invoke positive past experiences even when you aren’t feeling positive about your present. There are always times when you nailed a recipe, had someone befriend you or even fall in love with you, successfully cooked your favorite meal, achieved a fitness goal etc.  

There are times I do go through the process of writing each success out and then when the ore challenging days of Not enough happen I pull out the paper or computer copy and remember what had been positive and remind myself that it will be positive again.

One of my other process that I like to use in addition to the positive litany is a mirror. I have always struggled with a positive self image.  In Jambalaya Luisha TIesh offers a self esteem/blessing where you anoint each body part is anointed with your favorite scented oil and you say Thank you, my ________.

Much like learning to stay mindful when you first start meditating the biggest challenge is to recognize when you start to self hex yourself by going into the negative self image and pause long enough to do something different.

Pause and Reset

So what do you do when you realize that your self esteem has taken a hit and it is time to make a change?

In our previous articles I have laid out a sort of theory foundation for starting the recovery process.  I included a basic structure for maintaining and/pr restructuring of dynamic balance in our lives. I am continuing a basic discussion of foundational ritual practices before you actually do anything else. Like using a good primer to make paint last longer, these practices help tools like positive affirmation or even wiccan specific practices of underworld journeys be more effective.

In most metaphysical traditions there are the twin practices of grounding and centering before any type of real meditation can begin.  Grounding is the process of connecting to the earth energy around us and centering can be best described as pulling the energy around us to our point of balance so that we can use it throughout our day. Developing the self discipline to ground and center multiple times throughout the day does increase your own ability to combat negative self talk when it arises and assists in better decision making skills that are not purely reactionary.

Grounding basics:

Stop what your doing.

Stand or sit with your back straight. (Good posture does help the muscles relax.)

Take three deep breaths to exhale the stale, stressy energy.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are a tree and that your feet are roots going deep into the earth.

When you feel/sense that you are completely connected to the earth begin drawing that core earth energy into your being through your roots.

When you are ready it is time to move on to the second phase called grounding….

When you feel the energy flowing from your feet to your head imagine that energy condensing into a centralized place in your body or your natural center of gravity. (For some people this is the solar plexus or gut area. For myself it is the base of my spine or my root chakra.)

Stay here for a few more moments and when you are ready to can move back on to the rest of your day or ritual.

When confronting negative thought patterns and being willing to change them this is a major practice.  In her Udemy course Freedom to Choose Something Different Pema Chodron describes this as a 3 step process. When you start getting hooked into your cycle either a cycle of behavior patterns or emotional responses the first step is to notice that you are getting hooked. The second step is taking that pause. The pause can be a few seconds to several minutes but it is noticing that you are at the crossroads. The third step is choosing to do something different.

It is through the consistent observation of our destructive mental processes and being able to stop it do we obtain the release and the relief of choosing to go down a different path.  More on that to come.

Blessed Be.

The Role of Ritual and Healing

“Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love under law, love under will.”

• Aleister Crowley

Our theme is recovery and effectively handling chronic illnesses.  I am a 3rd degree witch/priestess of an eclectic wiccan tradition and I am a former chemical dependency counselor. I currently struggle with my own chronic illnesses of depression, type 2 diabetes and autonomic neuropathy as well as retinal neuropathy.  In this article I want to start discussing the use of magic and ritual in recovery and healing self esteem including becoming self actualized.

Magic was once defined by Mr Crowley as the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity to will.   Ritual is often added at this point as the process by which we harness our will to create that change.  

Rebuilding self esteem is the cornerstone of successfully managing the stresses of chronic illness and recovery. There are several approaches to how this is done.  I want to propose that while there can appear to be a clear cut difference between a mundane and spiritual approach to the matter creating that change hinges on intent or recognizing that something needs to change and having a singular focus to fix the issue.   

The other day I was revisiting my teacher’s edition book of shadows that our tradition uses. I was reminded of how we have taught the process of maintaining the cycles of balance. As this information is widely available in other printed forms I do not feel out of place publishing it here. Maintaining cycles of balance in any area of life there are five basic principles:

Intention

Preparation

Invocation

Purification

Consecration.

I bring this up because these really are the steps to effectively rebuilding our self esteem. Our intention is recognizing that we need to alter how we are evaluating our worth. The process to fix that ends up being the other points whether we are invoking the use of a therapist or magical tools we still end up needing to detox the negative judgment and the recognize that we are something pretty amazing.  In a different vein we can ask some questions of ourselves as a part of identifying what we need to rebuild by asking if we have become stuck because we are overly focused or worried about our problems? Have we forgotten who we are? Do we understand the power that resides in us?  Once we can honestly answer those questions we can take a look at practical and magical ways to create the changes that we need.

Now that I have satisfied my own need to share my foundational knowledge there will be future articles on different processes both mundane and spiritual to consider for your bag of tricks.

Changing the direction of the Blog.

In 1996 I graduated from Minneapolis Community College with a degree in Chemical Dependency Counseling.  An AA that covered a mainly behavioral modification approach to recovery but included a liberal introduction to the 12 step program of AA and other introspective approaches like Gestalt and Freudian psychoanalysis.  Self efficacy was the buzzword of the day. According to Wikipedia the accepted definition of self efficacy is the extent or strength of one's belief in one's own ability to complete tasks and reach goals. In the modern world of self help books the buzzword is empowerment and sometimes self esteem. Most of my professional career as a counselor and then later as a peer counselor and priestess, it interests me that we as a culture continually dance with this issue of self efficacy, self esteem, and empowerment. I want to spend some time looking at each concept  and relating them specifically to how they fit into the world of recovery whether it is from addiction issues to coping effectively with chronic illnesses.

Self esteem is usually defined as a personal subjective emotional evaluation of their own worth. (Wikipedia). Empowerment refers to measures designed to increase the degree of autonomy and self-determination in people and in communities in order to enable them to represent their interests in a responsible and self-determined way, acting on their own authority. Empowerment refers both to the process of self-empowerment and to professional support of people, which enables them to overcome their sense of powerlessness and lack of influence, and to recognise and eventually to use their resources and chances.

In situations where an individual is dealing with recovery from addiction issues or with the ability to handle a chronic illness self worth becomes a mitigating factor in the quality of self efficacy unless there are additional entities empowering the one needing healing.  

In the inpatient program I worked in, we spent a lot of time discussing with our clients Maslow's Hierarchy of needs and how they related to their ability to recover and keep from relapsing. To this day I include a discussion of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs in most of my wicca classes when we start discussing ethics. My personal view is that when most individuals are performing magic spells or workings it is because one of those needs are not being met.[Spells are typically used in the wiccan community to effect the outside world while workings are typically used to change the mindset/perception of the individual performing the ritual.]

For a very brief introduction on Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs Abraham Maslow postulated that there was a pyramid scheme of conditions that needed to be met before a person could be self actualized or fully realize one’s potential. The base of the pyramid is called physiological referring to food, clothing, shelter. The second layer called safety, the third love/belonging, the fourth esteem, then finally self actualization. The theory goes that if part of the foundation is missing or challenged then it is harder to have positive self esteem that leads to self actualization.  There are several studies that back this information up. Including recent studies that showed most incarcerated individuals are in their predicament because they were attempting to fill the basic needs of food, clothing and safety.  

When the individual is faced with rebuilding their life and coping with the chaos of addiction and chronic illness self efficacy/actualization can become ab daunting task even with the support of close and extended family. There is an emotional toll and real time consequences of lack of resources as well as adjusting to a new normal of what your body can physically and emotionally manage.  

My intent over the next several articles is to share my research and practical experience on approaches to recovery.  I will freely admit I struggle. I struggle with depression and not feeling good enough but it is my hope that by sharing what i have learned it will bring hope and light to someone else in need and give other therapists and supporters tools to use in the future.

Blessed Be.

Downtime Disaster Kit and Procedures

I love my job. We have a well defined process for everything. There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that there is a plan.  In class today I was reminded of the process around what happens when our servers fail and where to locate the things we would need to still continue to function.  One my my biggest frustrations with my health at the moment is that there really is no Disaster Kit.

Insurance is a beautiful luxury. Having folks to call on and physically be there is also a luxury. What happens when despite all the planning and having the luxuries of insurance, people, and the ability to execute the plan fail? Bouncing back from failure is not something we are really trained to do in our culture. We talk about it in grand terms like resiliency and efficacy but at the end of the day what does that really mean?

When I was in training to be a chemical dependency counselor we discussed efficacy as the ability to bounce back from negative situations and those talks were usually attached to a process called brief therapy.  Essentially beginning problem solving starting with If your life was suddenly perfect what would like look like? Followed by additional questions of what are the steps you can take now to move in that direction.

We get so bogged down into manifesting the big picture we forget that it happens in incremental stages that only a snail or glaciers can appreciate.  What I find most frustrating is that while I have asked myself those questions I am not even sure my vision of a perfect outcome would ever be possible. A body free from physical pain and other unspoken heart fantasies. However, the reality is I would like a couple of long discussions with my healthcare team and support group on what realistic outcomes are of our current course and what can be done to stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can and to be loved for as long as I can. Is that really too much to ask?

Dancing With Fear

My own health issues are very much reminding me of the paradox of this existence. Fragile yet paradoxically strong. Weak yet amazingly resilient. The opposite is also true. One minute you can be going on course and the next the rug gets pulled out from under you.

My challenge right now is finding that resiliency not just daily but moment to moment as well. Each hour has its challenges as does each doctors visit. My suspicion is that most of us go through this even though we choose not to talk about it. 

At the depths of my bewilderment I wonder at the wisdom of the 

 for keeping me alive. A middle aged, not fertile woman who has lost her ability to take care of others physically and can barely take care of her self. But I think. I think a lot. Sometime about my cat sometimes about more seriously things like tonight's insomnia and trying to get through it. While it is temting to go on a poor me bent this has more to do with reminding me of what has helped in the past and hopefully helping someone else out there too. 

1. Be okay with knowing you are not always going to have all the W's answered of Who, What, When,Where, Who< How and especially Why.

2. Meditate on the Heart Sutra.  I realize its a Buddhist text but it is timeless truth.  Form is Emptimess and Emptiness is form.  Its not that the confusion and pain I am feeling isn't real its more that in the long run it doesn't matter.  Its core is illusion. 

3. Mindfulness meditation will reground you and can save your life. In Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better Pema Chodon recounts a meeting with her teacher where she felt her world was falling apart. They were meditating and he was about to leave without her being able to get the advice she needed. Long story short her guru told her that life is like the waves of the water. It ebbs and flows. It is our job to learn to walk in it and accept that we will get knocked down by those waves sometimes but we will also get back up again. 

So I encourage myself and any of you needing it that like the ebb and flow of the water there will be good moments and there will be not so good moments but they are only moments. This too will pass. 

Sacred Sexuality and the Culture of Rape

And it harm none, do as thou wil.

- Wuccan Reed

Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. 

Love under law, Love under will. 

Aliester Crowley

We are all connected. We are connected to each other. We are connected to the very earth we walk and live on. We are connected through every fiber of the universe. 

My various readings of the new year have indicated that opportunity for heaing and abundance comes through good character and discipline. One of the issues that I struggle with both on the giving and receiving end is feeling dehumanized and just a number or just a paycheck or just another vagina. I fall into the temptation of looking at other humans as the same just another means to an end. I witnessed a behavior last night that reminded me this has to stop if we expect to build positive relationships with each other and promote compassion. Instead of focusing on being offended at what the other person did, I have been using it as a personal inventory tool and felt a very strong desire to publish my musings mainly for myself. 

We bitch frequently about the culture of rape in America especially in the feminist camps.  I think it is time to really look at the over all dehumanization of people especially when it comes to our sexual relationships and sexual experiences. 

Sex is many things.  I think it is fun. I think it should be an expression of love between two people. I do not think that sex should every be used as a weapon or a tool of cohersion nor should people be manipulated into having sex. 

The problem with manipulation and coercion is that we turn something that should be for the multal enjoyment of the parties involved into an obligation. You owe me sex because of xyz, Bullshit. Sex is a privilege not a right. 

If we are truly practicing compassion we are seeing the other person as real an honoring what they enjoy. Forcing things for our own enjoyment is not love, its greed.  Just some food for thought. 

Blessed Beltane!

April was a weird month and I am glad to see her go. On the positive end, Spring actually was spring in Minnesota and not just more snow. The song birds and owls have been very vocal in my neighborhood and the taco trucks have stared parking at the convenience store at the front of my trailer park community. Cold Press coffee is available again and I am an extremely grateful camper for this and so much more.

Beltane is about fertility and growth in the long and short of things. We have a full moon coming up very soon as well. Not to terribly unpredictable my intent for the month ahead is to continue to focus on healing both short term and long term and learning to work within my new limits and making them work for me.

My workings to back it up will include a new 21 day cycle of reiki self healing cycle and focusing on the Medicine Buddha and the face of Green Tara that fights infectious diseases. Most candle work is done with tea lights in my house since I have those in abundance. I will also be working with the native energies around here and using sage,cedar, sweet grass, and tobacco for incense offerings.

I will keep you all posted on how things go.

Blessed Be!

Ethics

I am participating in a distance learning group for a coven. It is that time that we start talking about the why we are doing magic among other things.

I have been struggling this week with an infection that most people just take penicillin for and recover. Nope, had to do it the hard way and go through 6 days of ivs. 

Most of us Wiccan ' s know by heart An it harm none do as you will We are also all very quick to point out that it means as long as I am not causing harm (directly) I can do whatever I want.

I am reminded at this point of something from the Christian mysteries that just because all things are permissible does not mean all things are beneficial.

I find myself being very tempted to go and hide from the world for a long while. Join a Buddhist monastery or otherwise until particular forces stop being a part of my life. Mainly because they don't think through how their actions  really effect other people.
Yet I know that wouldn't be completely viable either because I do have a responsibility to my job and my community and family.
Tricky business emotional abuse and ethics. Best to give it to the Lord's of Karma and let them decide.

Dancing with Oya

The blood moon has been an interesting time of reflection and action. I have been working a lot with the goddess Oya. Orisha of tornadoes, change, keeper of the cemetery and oddly enough Queen of the market place. She is an interesting Lady to work with. I am focusing on her because of my own anger issues at the moment, the tornado that can be my life, my oracular skills and the changes that have been happening at both my job and home life.

I like working with the orishas because their mythology is very rich and active and relevant, at least to me. I also like working with the orisha because their relationships are messy, like mine. I have recently run across two congruent stories of Oya that involve her first husband, Ogun and her second husband Shango.

Ogun and Shango were rivals at everything. Shango knew that he could very easily get under Ogun's skin and usually did. Ogun fell madly in love with Oya and married her.  Shortly after their marriage, Shango waited patiently for a time when Ogun was away on one of his trips and Oya was alone. He seduced Oya and Oya fell in love with him. He took her back with him to his kingdom in Oyo. When Ogun came home he realized where Oya was and went to win her back. When Oya was confronted by Ogun she said that Now that she had been with Shango, she would never go back with him again. Oya became one of Shango's favorite wives and frequently rode into battle with him.

At one time, Shango was celebrating away from his palace. His enemies decided to come and kidnap the king. Oya had stayed behind in the palace but was getting nervous that the king had not returned. She was informed that he had been kidnapped. Oya knew where Shango kept his thunder and lightening. She grabbed the lightening and rode in her tornado to rescue him. While Shango was relieved to see his wife he was upset and bewildered that she could use lightening. Since then Oya is always the first to use the lightening.

(Note, I am not an initiate so some of the details could be lost in translation.)

I bring the stories up because I am learning to accept some of the limitations I have because of my own choices. However, unlike last fall when I was feeling much more like Oba and shelved I am choosing to ride forth in my own power and authority. At one point I was having a lot of dreams that involved tornadoes and a messy spring season. While I still think weather wise we are in for a time, I am choosing to dance with the storms and be transformed by them instead of destroyed by them

Happy Ostara or Spring Equinox To the Rest of the World

It feels odd that we here in Minnesota are thawing out.
No snow on the ground in the southern part and I am able to have coffee on my front porch without freezing. (A ritual from back in the day when I was a smoker,)

Ostara is about new beginnings, fresh starts and hope for a brighter future.

In a Wiccan context it is the time of the year when the Great Goddes as Maiden is exploring her world and being in wonder and awe of it. It is also about being in balance as there is an equilibrium that is naturally happening that can be tapped into to balance out our lives in the most mundane ways and spiritual ways.

There is much that I am grateful for that is in the most delicate stages of a new beginning. For me, I can be hot tempered and impatient so I have to take extra steps to be more experiential orientated than goal orientated. I am continuing to walk the path of a dharma pagan to better cultivate having a calmer spirit and more patience.

As we progress through the early part of spring, I would offer up this simple meditation to help keep things in balance....

Find one white or light stone and one dark stone in equal size
Hold white stone in right hand and dark stone in left hand while you meditate on your energy and your life being in complete balance.

When you are done leave the stones on your altar as a reminder that the Goddess is a benevolent goddess and will give you all that you need for your successful growth.

While I may complain about certain circumstances, this is the meditation I use to remind me that all things are in balance and there will be good to balance out the bad.

Happy Spring!

Note if you would like more information or reiki training or healing please contact me. 

March Full Moon Ramblings for my own benefit...

In a few days the full moon of March will be here and I am getting itchy. Feeling my power if you will but also know that it needs to be diverted for just a moment for my healing process.  I mentioned earlier learning the differences between dreams and predictive dreams.

I can hear the groans now but because I am starting a new seeker program and will be doing a lot more documentation than normal its observation and note taking.

You can have the best written dream interpretation material out there but only you really understand your own symbols.

For instance, if I am just dreaming for the sake of rem I actually dream in black and white and it is not first person point of view. I dream and remember most of my life as if I am watching myself on a movie screen. (Yes, dissociation from emotional abuse and spiritual abuse as a kid.However, dissociation can also be a part of trance but I will get into that later......)

At one point I read that if you dream between 3am and 6am on a regular sleep schedule it is usually precognitive in nature. This is debatable depending on what constitutes a normal sleep schedule. The bigger difference is that my precog dreams are in color and usually have a particular sound/tone to them.

When you study something like witchcraft or divination in general and you are keeping a dream journal it is just as important to write down how the information is being communicated to you as much as the information itself. All leads to helping understand if its too much pizza or the divine talking to you.

Interpretation is tricky. If I am working something out in my brain it usually comes up as a zombie dream. If the situation is solvable I usually find some place of safety. If not, then I get eaten. That might not be the case for you. Just the thought of zombies may make it a lose/lose situation entirely. Chipping teeth in the common literature usually indicates feeling ashamed or guilty about something. For me, it means I am grinding my teeth again. My point being its only through documentation and critical evaluation that helps interpret the dream.

So about today's dream.  I am still waiting for confirmation. What I do remember is that it was in color and a scrying pool with a scene of a lot of wind. Being we are heading into a spring equinox and I am going through my own refocusing and healing, I interpret it as positive change is coming as surely as spring itself and to expect a pretty blistery Idles of March and that the personal transformation I am seeking will be bumpy but will happen. Since Grandmother Spider is also happily in my minds eye weaving her web and not getting tossed about, I am also going to place a safe bet that I am making the connections I need to for the transformation to be positive and strong.

With that, I will note that I am still attempting to be a little more deliberate about the posts and working out process and goddess theology stuff.  The flavor might change a little as I am working with a new to me teacher as well. We will see. I am looking forward to the adventure and am remembering the words of the great mother: we will never find without until we find it within first.

Blessed Be.  

BDSM Lifestyle and 50 Shades of No Thank You.....

I am going to out myself here. Some of you may choose to stop reading or associating with me but the only people I cared about knowing are no longer on this earth so here it goes....

I am a submissive pain slut and service submissive. I have been for many years. I have been to parties, meet ups and discussion groups and have done a ton of reading and talking. Not an academic expert but an armchair expert no the less.

I read 50 Shades of Grey but I will not see the film.  I think it over simplifies a cultural divide and many people will read and see it because it talks about sex and we are ever so curious about sex but to afraid to actually talk about it plainly.

My most recent mood is being overshadowed by an unwarented media take that bdsm sex boils down to sadistic males being abusing to masoginistic females and god help you if you are a part of it.

There is a lot I would like to say but to be empowing and a lady: stop punishing those of use who are not in a monogamous, straight lifestyle choice. Its that simple. Just because I like sadistic sex does not mean my partner is abusing me or disempowering me.

There is a very plain line between between being in a scene with someone and all acts being consensual and non consenual sex. If your partner says no or red or your safe word you're done. If you go beyond it its non consensual.

Most vanilla type people look at us and assumea variety of things.

To dispel some myths any type of dom/sub, master slave relationship usually does go through several rounds of negotiations on acceptable types of play and what boundaries are okay to cross or not.

It is also usually assumed that just because I am a submissive does not make me YOUR submissive nor does you being a dom make you MY dom. Normal relationship structures do still apply.

To get back to my point with 50 Shades... it over simplifies. Even within the bdsm communities there are great debates on types of play, if safe words should be used or if all play should be risk aware once a dom/sub relationship is established.  There are protocol debates on EVERYTHING.

Don't assume. Ask questions. Get over the idea that sex should just be for straight people in a loving relationship who want to have kids. You'll be a lot happier. Trust me.

Blessed Imbolc

On February 2nd we celebrate the first right of spring known as Imbolc or Candlemass.

In Celtics based traditions it is the time of year that honors the coming of the light. The days get noticeably longer, the candles for the rest of spring and the seeds for the next planting season as well as the blessing of the growing season ahead.

So for my own life I am a solitary practitioner in several areas. I am working through the process of joining a cyber coven that celebrates the diversity of our world. There are two distinct groups I am interviewing with and learning from.

In my regular life I am moving to a smaller clinic next week. I have also been blessed with the chance to develop friendships that stalled during the healing from my divorce and the death of my grandmother. I am grateful for the opportunities I am being gifted with to show my growth through my behaviors and by starting to write out what I have learned so far.

I look forward to the light growing in my life as I continue to heal the broken pieces. I appreciate all of you who are on this journey with me.

Blessed Be.

My Basic Understanding of the Eleusinian Mysteries

My basic understanding of the Eleusinian Mysteries

My first introduction to greek mythology was in the 7^th grade and Mr. Edgil’s literature class. We read Edith Hamilton’s Mythology class. I remember the basic story.

Demeter couldn’t find her daughter Persephone. Persephone had been kidnapped by Hades. Zeus helped convince Hades to release Persephone but Hades had convinced Persephone to eat some of the pomegranate fruit. Demeter consented to let Persephone stay with Hades for part of the year.

 I don’t remember much other than starting to ask why we didn’t still worship the old ones. (Keep in mind this was in the beginning of my Jesus freak stage but the seed was sown. )

Fast forward to Minneapolis the year 1996. I had been attending college at Minneapolis Community College and hanging out at the Amazon bookstore at the edge of Loring park. I had just started studying Dianic Wicca and reading the works of Z Budapest and Fionna Morgan. When I moved out of my parents house and into my first apartment, I held my first solitary ritual honoring the Demeter and Persephone without really understanding what I was doing. I lit a candle, did a self-blessing ritual and ate a pomegranate.

18 years and several initiations later, I am not sure if I have a deeper understanding or just a better context for an agrarian cycle based culture and rituals that honor that cycle.

I spent the early years of my life on a farm. My father was a nursery man and grew dwarf fruit trees. He also raised a small amount of animals that were our food. Like most farm families, in the spring and summer months your time is spent outside preparing fields, sowing crops, and tending to the vegetable garden beds and animal raising. After the harvest, the activities turn indoors to crafting, food storage, and other projects that can be done indoors. Then, at some point it gets warm again and the season shifts focus to the outdoors again.

It’s our experience that informs us about our world. The Eleusinian mysteries are based entirely on that process of seasonal change and how they inform us about life, death, and rebirth. The wheel of the year.

I find it interesting that as we grow in our understanding of the world around us, our understanding of the ancient world and mythology changes as well.

For Instance Hades is still Lord of the Underworld and the Dead but as we understand how the fertile earth affects our economy and how earth becomes fertile he also starts becoming the patron of wealth and power in addition to death and what happens after we die.

As we delve into our own experience of being a rebellious child, we develop the understanding that Persephone could have been walking in her own power. We get this idea that she is willingly seeking out Hades to get a better understanding of the mysteries of life and death that our parents try to shield us from. However, just because the daughter may have willingly gone off with her bad boy, it does not invalidate the perception of the parent that she was kidnapped or taken against her will.

There is always more than one view of the story. That is a mystery in its own right.

For my own self, I have been going through a transformation process. It is almost a year that I left my family and coven. I have cocooned myself to grieve, heal and let go. While normally resurrection stories more happen in the spring, mine seems to be happening now. Relationships that were dead or dying or coming back to life and there are new relationships that are being born to see what will be. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the ashes of my life have done its job to fertilize and strengthen what remains and I rise again. Ready to do my own celebrating with not just Hades but Dionysus as well, honoring the harvest that is.

Blessed Be.

Comming soon for Mabon

The Fall Equinox is a few days away, on the 21st.

I am being drawn this season to study the greeks and specifically the Elusian Mysteries. So revisiting Demeter, Persephone, and Hades soon.

Each year, as I grow in my own understanding of things I am in awe how simple yet complex mythology is.

This year, I am celebrating quite a lot so it might be time to talk about Bacchus and the Wild Women too. 

I am reminded of some of the early books from the dianic movement by Fionna Morgan. My mantra right now is "Wild women, they don't get the blues."

More this weekend as I have time to study and write. Maybe even a solitary ritual or three.

Blessed Be!